


jealous

by coffee_shop_vibes



Series: sounds like a song [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:08:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27681229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffee_shop_vibes/pseuds/coffee_shop_vibes
Summary: i'm jealous of the wayyou're happy without me****a little angsty bokuto and akaashi story
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Series: sounds like a song [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2024210
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	jealous

Bokuto never knew he could miss someone as much as he did with Akaashi. It had been a year since he had last seen his messy black hair and his gunmetal blue eyes. A year since he last heard his soft-spoken voice, murmuring words of encouragement as they ran spike drills on the court. Akaashi had disappeared from his life without even thinking about the consequences. He didn’t think about how Bokuto would lose his best friend. The one that could raise his spirit with a small smile. Bokuto would never find anyone like Akaashi again. 

Sure Bokuto had others to talk to, like Kuroo or Hinata, but there was no one like Akaashi. No one that would spend his nights on the phone calming Bokuto’s overactive imagination. No one that would spend hours setting him balls after already having practice. Akaashi was one of a kind to Bokuto, and there was no one that would replace him.

Lately, all Bokuto could think about was how lucky everything else in the world was. Everyone that got to see Akaashi, the sun that got to shine on his skin, even the dirt that Akaashi walked on caused Bokuto to fill with jealousy. 

The weather had something that Bokuto would never have again. It had the chance to see Akaashi, feel Akaashi, and be near Akaashi in ways Bokuto could only dream of. Bokuto was jealous of each drop of rain that fell, knowing that somewhere, it was also falling on Akaashi skin. Each drop closer than his hands had been and will ever be again. Bokuto knew he would never get the chance to be as close to Akaashi as the wind that rippled through his clothes. Whipping around his shirt, causing him to wrap his arms around his waist. Oh how badly Bokuto wished to be the wind. 

Memories of his and Akaashi’s last conversation bleed into his mind, causing him to tighten his grip. 

“I don’t understand why you have to go,” Bokuto whimpered. “You… you can’t. I mean- we just work so well together. Why?” 

Akaashi’s eyes fluttered away. The empty hallway had nothing but dented lockers and chipped paint on the walls to look at, yet Akaashi wouldn’t make eye contact. His eyes moved up and down the hallway, as if hoping something or someone would catch his attention and interrupt. 

“Why won’t you look at me ‘kaashi? What did I do wrong?” Bokuto moved to be in his line of sight again. He reached for his hand, but Akaashi pulled back slightly. Bokuto’s mind was racing. He couldn’t think of anything he had done to annoy Akaashi. Akaashi was over for a few hours the night before, but they had just studied and watched a movie like usual. School had been the same, and practice had been the same. Bokuto didn’t think that anything had changed. The end of his third year was approaching, only a few weeks left to spend with Akaashi before he left for college, and he did not want those weeks to be cut even shorter. 

“Bokuto, I can’t,” Akaashi started to pull at his fingers. “I’m not doing well here, I can’t handle- I just can’t be here anymore. Not with you.” 

“Not with me?” Bokuto repeated quietly. Bokuto could feel his heart shrinking. His throat was closing up, and his stomach was tightening. This was something he never imagined would happen. Akaashi was his closest friend, the only one who he thought never got annoyed by him, yet here he was telling him he didn’t want to be with him. 

“But why? What did I do wrong? I don’t get it. I don’t want you to leave me.” Bokuto moved closer to Akaashi, trying to read his face. The world was coming to an end in Bokuto’s mind.

Akaashi’s body tensed up, and his fingers stopped moving. He let out a sigh and moved his hands up to rub his face. “It’s not you, I promise. Okay?”

Bokuto couldn’t believe those words, but Akaashi’s eyes had gone dead. He had never seen Akaashi’s eyes look so empty. Bokuto didn’t know what to do anymore. For as long as he had known Akaashi, he was able to read the subtle emotions on his face. The complete opposite of himself, who kept his heart on his sleeve, Akaashi kept his locked up and hidden. Just like Akaashi knew how to handle Bokuto, Bokuto knew how to read Akaashi. Yet, this was the first time Bokuto had been lost, drowning in his blue eyes for the worst reason. 

“I need to go.” Akaashi grabbed his bag off the ground and pushed past Bokuto. Bokuto whipped around gasping in as much air as he could. The hallway felt ten degrees colder, and the air even thinner. 

“Wait, Akaashi,” Bokuto grabbed onto Akaashi’s sleeve. “Before you go, I just.” Everything in his head hurt, but he needed to get the words out. “I hope- I wish you the best, okay. The best of all this world could give you. You deserve it, and I know it’s not me.”

Akaashi’s eyes widened, and he clenched his fist. “Bokuto-”

“It’s fine ‘kaashi. I’ll see you- Well, maybe not.” Bokuto let go of Akaashi’s shirt after taking a deep breath, and walked away, missing the tears gathering in Akaashi’s eyes. 

The last few weeks of school passed like a blur for Bokuto. Akaashi didn’t show up at school or practice. No one had seen him. Everyone was cautious around Bokuto. All the members of the volleyball team tiptoed around him. They made sure no one came up to him and asked about Akaashi. Everyone was confused, but no one wanted to bother Bokuto and send him into a worse mood. 

Bokuto thought Akaashi would come back. Hopefully saying that it was one big joke. If not a joke then tell him that he was wrong and was surrounded by heartbreak and misery like he was. But Akaashi never did come back. And as hard it was for him to say, Bokuto was jealous of how happy he knew Akaashi was without him. 

After graduation, summer seemed to go on forever. Bokuto didn’t have Akaashi to spend his days playing volleyball with, or nights watching movies with. Kuroo had stopped by a few weeks after Bokuto had stopped returning his texts, wondering where his energetic friend had gone. 

“So he just disappeared? And you haven’t heard from him since?” Kuroo picked at the grass they sat on. The park they were at was empty and quiet even though the sun beat down on the two of them. The two of them sat next to each other. Kuroo could see the stress Bokuto carried. His shoulders were slumped, and he had the deepest eye bags. Bokuto didn’t even try to fix up his hair. At least he had showered, but Kuroo wasn’t sure how clean the shirt he had worn was. 

Bokuto nodded. “He said he couldn’t handle being with me.” Bokuto fiddled with the bottom of his t-shirt. “I know I get to be too much sometimes, but I always thought Akaashi, I don’t know, liked it. Liked me.” 

Kuroo sighed. “He did like you Bo.”

“Not enough to stay.”

It stayed silent for a few moments. “I wish I could have said something else. To get him to stay. He doesn’t reply to my messages or calls. I stopped by his house, but his mother wouldn’t even let me in.” Bokuto let out a deep and fast breath. “I just want to know what he’s doing.”

Bokuto laid back, watching the singular cloud float through the sky. Bokuto felt like any second the window would rip the cloud apart, and it would disappear forever. He was jealous of the sky. It was able to see Akaashi whenever it wanted. The nights that Bokuto didn’t get to spend with Akaashi haunted Bokuto. He couldn’t help but think Akaashi had found someone knew to spend his time with. Bokuto couldn’t help but be jealous. 

“I loved him,” Bokuto whispered. He wiped his cheeks surprised at how wet they were. “I loved him and he just left. I thought- I thought he loved me too.” Bokuto punched the ground. 

Kuroo smiled sadly. 

***  
Bokuto’s hands were clenched together, holding a bouquet of forget-me-nots as his mind floated back to the present. The blue of the flowers didn’t hold the same beauty that Akaashi’s eyes did. Bokuto ran a hand through his hair. He hadn’t washed it in a few days, but he barely had the motivation to get out of bed let alone shower. But the thought of meeting with Akaashi pulled him away from the comfort of his room. 

It was warm outside, and Bokuto regretted the sweater that he wore; however, he knew Akaashi liked it. He knew Akaashi thought he looked good in it, and maybe if he wore it, Akaashi would feel like he was missing out. 

Bokuto froze when he spotted Akaashi. The warm weather tried to combat the ice that took over his heart, but it did nothing to stop the chill that made its way through his body. Bokuto thought it wasn’t fair that Akaashi could still have this great of an effect on him. 

Bokuto moved closer, stopping a few feet away. He wasn’t sure what to say. How to start a conversation with him anymore. The year apart had caused Akaashi to lose all confidence in his belief that he knew Akaashi well. However, Bokuto knew Akaashi wouldn’t start the conversation, so he dove in head first. 

“Are you happy ‘kaashi?” Bokuto looked away, gazing at the trees past the field they were on. He took a step closer. “Akaashi, is it bad for me to say that I’m jealous. I know you must be happy without me.”

Akaashi didn’t reply. Bokuto sighed. “Come on ‘kaashi. You slipped through my hands once before. I really don’t want to let you do that again, but at least let me get some closure.” Bokuto huffed and scuffed his boot on the edge of freshly planted grass. The square of dirt annoyed him, standing out from all the other bright green grass. Nothing seemed right in Bokuto’s eyes. 

Bokuto moved to sit on the bench that was a few feet away. Akaashi didn’t follow. Bokuto set the flowers down next to him and sighed. “Kuroo said it would be best for me to come and talk to you. Even if you don’t say anything back; he said it could be cathartic. I think that’s the word he used. You would know, you were always my personal thesaurus.” He could feel the tears building in his eyes as Akaashi continued being quiet. He tried his best to smile, rubbing his hands on his jeans. 

“I remember when you first left, and I told you that I wished you the best this world could give you. I just wanted you to be happy, even if that wasn’t with me.” Bokuto bit his lip. Bokuto kept his eyes downcast, chewing on his lip. He could picture Akaashi staring at him, eyes brighter than they were the last time he saw him. “I’m so jealous of you,” Bokuto yelled. He grabbed the flowers off the bench and flung them at the ground. “You must be so much happier. You left me alone. How could you leave me alone?” Bokuto started to sob. He rubbed his eyes with his palms, but the tears wouldn’t stop falling. “How could you leave me alone?”

He rapidly wiped the tears off his cheeks, even as more continued to stream down his face. “You didn’t even let me say goodbye.” Bokuto picked the forget-me-nots off the ground. “I researched what flowers to get you. I wasn’t sure what ones were right for you, honestly. I couldn’t find any flowers that were as beautiful as you. But these, myosotis, represent hope, remembrance, true and undying love.” Bokuto finally knelt next to the stone, running his hand over the name. “And that’s what I will always have for you Akaashi, true and undying love.”


End file.
